I could've got more out...

I love the movie Schindler's List. In my opinion it is one of the best movies ever, right up there with To Kill A Mockingbird. I love it because it shows that even amongst the most extreme evil, there is still good at work. To understand what's going on, Mr. Schindler creates a "business" where he needs workers and he buys these workers for his factory by bribing various ppl in the Nazi heiarcy. In essence he buys these ppls lives, because their job at the factory saves them from facing death in the concentration camps. My favorite part of the movie, where I always find myself drenched in tears follows.

Stern (one of Schindler's workers) steps forward and places a ring in Schindler's hand. It's a gold band, like a wedding ring. They created the ring from gold that came from fillings in their teeth and various other means. Schindler notices an inscription inside it.

STERN: It's Hebrew. It says, 'Whoever saves one life saves the world.'

Schindler slips the ring onto a finger, admires it a moment, nods his thanks, then seems to withdraw.

SCHINDLER: (to himself) I could've got more out...

SCHINDLER: (to himself) I could've got more... if I'd just... I don't know, if I'd just... I could've got more...

STERN: Oskar, there are twelve hundred people who are alive because of you. Look at them.

SCHINDLER: If I'd made more money... I threw away so much money, you have no idea. If I'd just...

STERN: There will be generations because of what you did.

SCHINDLER: I didn't do enough.

It always moves me.... stirs me deep within. It's the point where I stopped throwing obscene amounts of God's money away at retail stores. And that instead of the days where I'd go get my hair cut and colored 4 times a year for $125 a pop, I cut back to just twice a year and really not even that. I remember so clearly getting dressed one day looking in the mirror taking an hour to put on make up and fix my hair just right and I almost became ashamed of myself as it was vanity in a way I had never seen it before. There was a time when I spent more time on dressing myself than I did on praying and talking to God. Where I would spend $85 on a pair of jeans and not even give it a thought.

But then it washed over me, all of this and people are still dying. And when I die, will Jesus say, "Jill, I blessed you with money and a good mind and a body which could work, and you spent it all on you and yours." I know many well-meaning, good christians who would say, "God wants us to enjoy what he's given us." Of course, of course he does, I'd never argue that. But I get tired of "fluffy lovey lovey" stuff all the time. Jesus was hard-core and I want to be that way. And I want to find ppl who believe that way because I need them to raise the bar in my life. I want to be challenged and I just don't want to think that I was buying even a $40 shirt and people are starving bc they have no money. This all came back to me today as I was on the eliptical trainer watching some advertisement thing where they were showing children in Africa STARVING... not just hungry but starving.... tears streamed down, not bc I pitied them, but because I am ashamed that I have forgotten the things that God had once revealed to me so clearly.

And today, I recommit to being less me focused and more kingdom focused. I commit to spending more time in prayer, and using ALL of the resources God has given to me wisely... God has given us everything and so many of us make excuses not to tithe or do what God places on our heart but today, I'm going to work towards that tenacity and perseverance that the disciples talk about. I want to truly be more like Jesus. I don't want to settle and I don't want to appease myself with halftruths... because the truth of the matter is, is that we are building up his kingdom or we are tearing it down. Father God, thank you for revelations in my life, thank you that you have different revelations and standards for us all, and no one can decide the path another should take... thank you for your word in Ecclesiastes that says "There is a greivous evil that I have seen under the sun: riches were kept by their owner to his hurt." ... I don't wanna be that way Father God.... mold me, change me, make things clear. Amen

bad morning.

today has not started off the way i would have liked. i got up early, left the house at a respectable 6am to workout, drive across town and no freaking access card. i put it in my purse. didn't use my purse, so why isn't it in there??? no idea, so i try to make the best of things, i go walking at mcneese and already i am whining to God. yes i shed tears bc my card wasn't in my purse. why wouldn't i? it's one of the few things that i do, that i love! i planned, i prepared, i put my clothes out the night before. i grabbed my water bottle and my towel and still things couldn't go the way i wanted them to. ouch that hurts.

I am home by 7:30am, still plenty of time for me to turn out that paper due for my class this a.m.

i try to login to blackboard through msu's website and i can't get the site to work. i have tried off and on all night, finally i figure out a way to access blackboard without going through msu. YAY i still have time, i can still do this...

oh goodie, the extra meeting I had with a prof yesterday to MAKE SURE I was enrolled in BB was useless bc it didn't work. so there is no possible way i can do my homework or print out the 20+ pages or so i need today for class.

this is one of those mornings where i totally want to be irresponsible and tell mcneese to shove their freaking degree and certification. i am so tired of battling that place and i know God has allowed me to linger there forever so i can learn patience and to abide in him. but have you ever been at that point where you think "i just can't stand it another day." i hate it all, i hate boring 3 hour classes, i hate the parking, i hate busy work, i hate that they spend $8million on the jocks new workout place or whatever and i can't freaking login to a system that i need to be able to do my HOMEWORK. i hate paying outrageous fees, i hate having to email 4 different ppl to get one answer! i try NOT to hate it, I try NOT to complain about it, but I HATE THAT PLACE and I want to just YELL it at someone, or something. but even if i did, nothing will ever change.

father god, i am all messed up inside this morning and i don't want to be. i don't want to be frustrated, i don't want to feel like this. i don't want to care if I fail this class. and i don't want to feel crappy bc i am whining about working out and mcneese, when i know there are far worse things in this world, i want to not care about worldly things. i feel like i've given up so much, can you please just show me favor here? can u please just change my heart? please...