heartbreak

It's really something you never forget. I think heartbreak is the worst kind of pain. And that's what I'm feeling today. Even though my husband and I have been separated for a month now, I think I've been in denial.

Two of my good friends both recently made the comment that when they ask my questions, mostly I answer with "I don't know." I hadn't realized this, but it is true. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been trying to avoid the future.I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to make choices. I don't want to admit my faults and failures.

But today it was so clear, my marriage is going to end. That my husband no longer loves me the way he used to. How do you say goodbye to 14 years of your life? Nearly half my life I have been with Aaron? So how do I move on? Really how do I do that? I don't even know where to begin.

I love my husband as a close friend, but over the years, and through the abundance of kids we have grown apart. We both love God, but we are not equally yoked. And the longer we stay together the deeper the wounds that we inflict on one another.

I will admit I am probably more of the cause of the problem than he is. I spent alot of time and effort into building up my store. And how do you undo the things you've done and choices you've made? It feels like there is this big gaping wound inside my heart today. Like this huge piece of me is missing. And the more I think about the whole idea of divorce the more I want to cry. I feel like I am grieving the lost of my closest friend. The one person I trusted with all my heart, who knows me better and more completely than anyone else. I just don't feel the sort of love I used to feel for him. Sometimes I want to call him and make amends and we become a family again, but I fear in a few months we will be at each other again, tearing each other apart rather than building each other up. And I think to make him stay, to cling to me, is just not fair.

Today is one of those days where I just don't know what God has planned... I feel a bit lost, but mostly I just feel empty.

love and death in New Orleans

I read this headline in horror:

New Orleans Man Confesses to Killing Son

http://news.aol.com/article/suspect-confesses-to-killing-son/292469

These sorts of stories always shock me. People are outraged. They cannot believe a man would murder his own child. The video on this website is unusual in that the police actually allow the news reporters to ask this man: How could you kill your son? And Danny Platt, the suspect answers: "I had a lot of pressure on me."

People find his actions hideous, as do I. People want this man to fry. They want him to pay. They want him banished from society. But the truth is, our society has made him what he is. Each of us, whether we want to admit it or not, have Danny Platt's in our lives. People who are at their breaking point, stretched beyond their limits. They have no peace inside, they do not know what real love is, everyday is another war.

And the thing I find so terribly heartbreaking and sad about this is that Danny Platt murdered his own flesh and blood because of money. That is what it boils down to. He did not want, nor have the means to pay for child support so in absence of any logical means and any reasoning, he did the one thing that repulses the rest of the world. To us, it looks so insane, so freaking crazy, but to him, it was a temporary fix to what he perceived to be a lifetime problem.

Danny Platt didn't really know this little boy from Adam. He was a dna donor and that is it. Our society wants to point a finger at Danny Platt and yell murderer and condemnation. I think as a society we should point the fingers at ourselves.

I've known many Danny Platt's in my life. When I worked at the group home, you learned to tell the ones on "their breaking point" real quick like. You could see the weight of the world bearing down on them. You could smell death on them. They knew that you knew, it was only a matter of time. And of course the "preachy" type of Christians, we would tell them of a God who loves and forgives and saves. We'd talk of a Jesus who died for them.... some of them would talk alot.... The problem is, The Danny Platt's, had never really met a true Christian that would show, by the way the lived, and how they treated the Danny's that Christ is as alive today, as he was on that glorious day when he died for you and me hanging on a cross. For the Danny's in this world, who have had their heart hardened ~ seeing is believing. And no one had bothered to "SHOW" them the love of Christ.

I prayed so much that God would give me a heart that would love those boys and girls. It is not easy to love someone who is filled with hate. Not easy to love someone who torments you and other people. Many of us THINK we are Christian, we "think" we have the heart of God. Loving the Danny Platt's in this world is the only way we can say that we truly are a follower of Christ. He is a son, he was a child, he is a man, he undoubtedly got dressed on that fateful morning much the same way we do. Yet I wonder, if there was a person in his life, that would have took the time to talk with Danny Platt that day. Took the time to find out how life was treating him... if someone, anyone had loved Danny enough to tell him that he would get through this little crisis in his life. That there is a GOD who knows all and can change all... If someone would have told Danny that they would hold his hand and help him through this, I believe little Ja' Shawn Powell would still be alive today.

When do we realize that we are all responsible? When do we realize that only when we become the one body we profess to be... by caring for and loving every member of the body that our world will begin to change and healing will take place? When do we stop pointing fingers and start reaching beyond the walls of color, and race, and money, an "religious" laws? When do we learn to blurr the line between the "haves" and the "have nots"? When do we realize that GOD and JESUS loves what we call the unlovables?

I know this strikes a nerve with people. You think I'm crazy (a bleeding heart) and that people like Danny Platt have to take responsibility for their actions. That JUSTICE should be served... That Danny Platt should die or for those who have evolved beyond the death penalty that Danny Platt should spend the rest of his life rotting in jail...

Sounds fair enough, yet I wonder: Are you interested in JUSTICE being poured out on the things in your life? For the wages of sin is death.... every sin. If you want to use the "eye for an eye" test from the old testament then do not be surprised when it is doled out to you in life. Are you really ready for that sort of judgement? Theft = death. Lying = death. Divorce/remarriage=death. Gluttony=death. Pride=death. work on sunday=death. Are we prepared for that?

I think that here is an opportunity to reach out to Danny Platt and others like him. His heart is cut right open at this very moment. He is undboutedbly alone... scarred... probably still prideful... here is the moment when we should be praying for God to rip out that old heart of hate and give him a heart of love, so tender that he will become a counselor of other men. A lover to the destitute... that His life will show the GLORY and the WONDER that is to be found only in CHRIST JESUS.

Knowing my sinful nature, my desire to do good but my perplexity to do what I wish I would not do... I cling to the verse that says the "measure that you use to judge other people will be meausured back to you." When I read a story like Danny Platt's my heart screams... there was one. That was one, we could have loved Father God. That was one, we should have loved. I'm so sorry that we let him be handed over to the lies of the devil. I'm so sorry that this world led him to believe that killing his own precious child was more valuable than money. I cry out to you Father God, give us your eyes that we may see. Give us your hands that we will not fear those who the world has forgotten to touch. Give us your arms, Father that we will reach out to love those who we find repulsive in every way. Give us your heart that we will love the murderers, pedophiles, rapists, the Danny Platt's of this world. Give us a NEW THING in 2009 Father God. We are tired and weary in this WORLD of hate and chaos and crisis... Give us FAITH to MOVE Mountains... the FAITH we sing of... teach us, ever so gently to OBEY.... I offer this prayer up for the Danny Platts of this world and to all who loved Ja' Shawn Powell... all who will feel his loss in this world. May he be dancing at your feet in joy on this day.... Amen.

A New Year and Such

Ahhhh another year has come and gone... I new year and a chance for a new me. Let's see what changes hopefully lie instore for me in 2009.

#1. Make WISE decisions and choices. This is not my strongest point. Sometimes I just let my feelings lead me ~> less drinking more thinking... haha, not that I drink alot, but I shall cut back this year.

#2. Get healthier. Now that I am done, done, done with having children I am ready to start looking and feeling better. So let's see, I would like to lose 25 pounds this year ~ at least... 40 would be awesome but 25 would be great too. I already joined Dynamic Dimensions work out facility. Going to walk 10 miles a week ~ at least!!!! (If you're bored come join me, you can help with managing the 4 kiddos! haha) I used to love to run, and I need to remember that. And to reward myself when I accomplish this goal, I'm going to send myself on a trip to the East Coast and a beach for 3 or 4 days....

#3. Save more, spend less. Pay off credit cards.

#4. Love more, Laugh more, Live more

#5. Less Dr. Pepper, more water

#6. Focus more on relationships.

Ok that's it, not so great, but at least I have the goals written down, something to work towards. best wishes, jill