heartbreak

It's really something you never forget. I think heartbreak is the worst kind of pain. And that's what I'm feeling today. Even though my husband and I have been separated for a month now, I think I've been in denial.

Two of my good friends both recently made the comment that when they ask my questions, mostly I answer with "I don't know." I hadn't realized this, but it is true. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been trying to avoid the future.I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to make choices. I don't want to admit my faults and failures.

But today it was so clear, my marriage is going to end. That my husband no longer loves me the way he used to. How do you say goodbye to 14 years of your life? Nearly half my life I have been with Aaron? So how do I move on? Really how do I do that? I don't even know where to begin.

I love my husband as a close friend, but over the years, and through the abundance of kids we have grown apart. We both love God, but we are not equally yoked. And the longer we stay together the deeper the wounds that we inflict on one another.

I will admit I am probably more of the cause of the problem than he is. I spent alot of time and effort into building up my store. And how do you undo the things you've done and choices you've made? It feels like there is this big gaping wound inside my heart today. Like this huge piece of me is missing. And the more I think about the whole idea of divorce the more I want to cry. I feel like I am grieving the lost of my closest friend. The one person I trusted with all my heart, who knows me better and more completely than anyone else. I just don't feel the sort of love I used to feel for him. Sometimes I want to call him and make amends and we become a family again, but I fear in a few months we will be at each other again, tearing each other apart rather than building each other up. And I think to make him stay, to cling to me, is just not fair.

Today is one of those days where I just don't know what God has planned... I feel a bit lost, but mostly I just feel empty.