It's really something you never forget. I think heartbreak is the worst kind of pain. And that's what I'm feeling today. Even though my husband and I have been separated for a month now, I think I've been in denial.
Two of my good friends both recently made the comment that when they ask my questions, mostly I answer with "I don't know." I hadn't realized this, but it is true. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been trying to avoid the future.I just don't want to think about things. I don't want to make choices. I don't want to admit my faults and failures.
But today it was so clear, my marriage is going to end. That my husband no longer loves me the way he used to. How do you say goodbye to 14 years of your life? Nearly half my life I have been with Aaron? So how do I move on? Really how do I do that? I don't even know where to begin.
I love my husband as a close friend, but over the years, and through the abundance of kids we have grown apart. We both love God, but we are not equally yoked. And the longer we stay together the deeper the wounds that we inflict on one another.
I will admit I am probably more of the cause of the problem than he is. I spent alot of time and effort into building up my store. And how do you undo the things you've done and choices you've made? It feels like there is this big gaping wound inside my heart today. Like this huge piece of me is missing. And the more I think about the whole idea of divorce the more I want to cry. I feel like I am grieving the lost of my closest friend. The one person I trusted with all my heart, who knows me better and more completely than anyone else. I just don't feel the sort of love I used to feel for him. Sometimes I want to call him and make amends and we become a family again, but I fear in a few months we will be at each other again, tearing each other apart rather than building each other up. And I think to make him stay, to cling to me, is just not fair.
Today is one of those days where I just don't know what God has planned... I feel a bit lost, but mostly I just feel empty.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
love and death in New Orleans
I read this headline in horror:
New Orleans Man Confesses to Killing Son
http://news.aol.com/article/suspect-confesses-to-killing-son/292469
These sorts of stories always shock me. People are outraged. They cannot believe a man would murder his own child. The video on this website is unusual in that the police actually allow the news reporters to ask this man: How could you kill your son? And Danny Platt, the suspect answers: "I had a lot of pressure on me."People find his actions hideous, as do I. People want this man to fry. They want him to pay. They want him banished from society. But the truth is, our society has made him what he is. Each of us, whether we want to admit it or not, have Danny Platt's in our lives. People who are at their breaking point, stretched beyond their limits. They have no peace inside, they do not know what real love is, everyday is another war.
And the thing I find so terribly heartbreaking and sad about this is that Danny Platt murdered his own flesh and blood because of money. That is what it boils down to. He did not want, nor have the means to pay for child support so in absence of any logical means and any reasoning, he did the one thing that repulses the rest of the world. To us, it looks so insane, so freaking crazy, but to him, it was a temporary fix to what he perceived to be a lifetime problem.
Danny Platt didn't really know this little boy from Adam. He was a dna donor and that is it. Our society wants to point a finger at Danny Platt and yell murderer and condemnation. I think as a society we should point the fingers at ourselves.
I've known many Danny Platt's in my life. When I worked at the group home, you learned to tell the ones on "their breaking point" real quick like. You could see the weight of the world bearing down on them. You could smell death on them. They knew that you knew, it was only a matter of time. And of course the "preachy" type of Christians, we would tell them of a God who loves and forgives and saves. We'd talk of a Jesus who died for them.... some of them would talk alot.... The problem is, The Danny Platt's, had never really met a true Christian that would show, by the way the lived, and how they treated the Danny's that Christ is as alive today, as he was on that glorious day when he died for you and me hanging on a cross. For the Danny's in this world, who have had their heart hardened ~ seeing is believing. And no one had bothered to "SHOW" them the love of Christ.
I prayed so much that God would give me a heart that would love those boys and girls. It is not easy to love someone who is filled with hate. Not easy to love someone who torments you and other people. Many of us THINK we are Christian, we "think" we have the heart of God. Loving the Danny Platt's in this world is the only way we can say that we truly are a follower of Christ. He is a son, he was a child, he is a man, he undoubtedly got dressed on that fateful morning much the same way we do. Yet I wonder, if there was a person in his life, that would have took the time to talk with Danny Platt that day. Took the time to find out how life was treating him... if someone, anyone had loved Danny enough to tell him that he would get through this little crisis in his life. That there is a GOD who knows all and can change all... If someone would have told Danny that they would hold his hand and help him through this, I believe little Ja' Shawn Powell would still be alive today.
When do we realize that we are all responsible? When do we realize that only when we become the one body we profess to be... by caring for and loving every member of the body that our world will begin to change and healing will take place? When do we stop pointing fingers and start reaching beyond the walls of color, and race, and money, an "religious" laws? When do we learn to blurr the line between the "haves" and the "have nots"? When do we realize that GOD and JESUS loves what we call the unlovables?
I know this strikes a nerve with people. You think I'm crazy (a bleeding heart) and that people like Danny Platt have to take responsibility for their actions. That JUSTICE should be served... That Danny Platt should die or for those who have evolved beyond the death penalty that Danny Platt should spend the rest of his life rotting in jail...
Sounds fair enough, yet I wonder: Are you interested in JUSTICE being poured out on the things in your life? For the wages of sin is death.... every sin. If you want to use the "eye for an eye" test from the old testament then do not be surprised when it is doled out to you in life. Are you really ready for that sort of judgement? Theft = death. Lying = death. Divorce/remarriage=death. Gluttony=death. Pride=death. work on sunday=death. Are we prepared for that?
I think that here is an opportunity to reach out to Danny Platt and others like him. His heart is cut right open at this very moment. He is undboutedbly alone... scarred... probably still prideful... here is the moment when we should be praying for God to rip out that old heart of hate and give him a heart of love, so tender that he will become a counselor of other men. A lover to the destitute... that His life will show the GLORY and the WONDER that is to be found only in CHRIST JESUS.
Knowing my sinful nature, my desire to do good but my perplexity to do what I wish I would not do... I cling to the verse that says the "measure that you use to judge other people will be meausured back to you." When I read a story like Danny Platt's my heart screams... there was one. That was one, we could have loved Father God. That was one, we should have loved. I'm so sorry that we let him be handed over to the lies of the devil. I'm so sorry that this world led him to believe that killing his own precious child was more valuable than money. I cry out to you Father God, give us your eyes that we may see. Give us your hands that we will not fear those who the world has forgotten to touch. Give us your arms, Father that we will reach out to love those who we find repulsive in every way. Give us your heart that we will love the murderers, pedophiles, rapists, the Danny Platt's of this world. Give us a NEW THING in 2009 Father God. We are tired and weary in this WORLD of hate and chaos and crisis... Give us FAITH to MOVE Mountains... the FAITH we sing of... teach us, ever so gently to OBEY.... I offer this prayer up for the Danny Platts of this world and to all who loved Ja' Shawn Powell... all who will feel his loss in this world. May he be dancing at your feet in joy on this day.... Amen.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A New Year and Such
Ahhhh another year has come and gone... I new year and a chance for a new me. Let's see what changes hopefully lie instore for me in 2009.
#1. Make WISE decisions and choices. This is not my strongest point. Sometimes I just let my feelings lead me ~> less drinking more thinking... haha, not that I drink alot, but I shall cut back this year.
#2. Get healthier. Now that I am done, done, done with having children I am ready to start looking and feeling better. So let's see, I would like to lose 25 pounds this year ~ at least... 40 would be awesome but 25 would be great too. I already joined Dynamic Dimensions work out facility. Going to walk 10 miles a week ~ at least!!!! (If you're bored come join me, you can help with managing the 4 kiddos! haha) I used to love to run, and I need to remember that. And to reward myself when I accomplish this goal, I'm going to send myself on a trip to the East Coast and a beach for 3 or 4 days....
#3. Save more, spend less. Pay off credit cards.
#4. Love more, Laugh more, Live more
#5. Less Dr. Pepper, more water
#6. Focus more on relationships.
Ok that's it, not so great, but at least I have the goals written down, something to work towards. best wishes, jill
#1. Make WISE decisions and choices. This is not my strongest point. Sometimes I just let my feelings lead me ~> less drinking more thinking... haha, not that I drink alot, but I shall cut back this year.
#2. Get healthier. Now that I am done, done, done with having children I am ready to start looking and feeling better. So let's see, I would like to lose 25 pounds this year ~ at least... 40 would be awesome but 25 would be great too. I already joined Dynamic Dimensions work out facility. Going to walk 10 miles a week ~ at least!!!! (If you're bored come join me, you can help with managing the 4 kiddos! haha) I used to love to run, and I need to remember that. And to reward myself when I accomplish this goal, I'm going to send myself on a trip to the East Coast and a beach for 3 or 4 days....
#3. Save more, spend less. Pay off credit cards.
#4. Love more, Laugh more, Live more
#5. Less Dr. Pepper, more water
#6. Focus more on relationships.
Ok that's it, not so great, but at least I have the goals written down, something to work towards. best wishes, jill
Sunday, December 28, 2008
the HOUSTON TRIP
Sometimes we take life for granted... we forget that our days are numbered.
I had a sobering reminder that life on this earth is finite. Earlier this week I rode with my good friend Jamie, to Houston to visit a friend of hers at a V.A. Hospital. "Elaina" is just 26 years old. Beautiful curly red hair, fair complexion. Jamie said that even though life had dealt Elaina a couple of rough moments, she was still happy and lived life to the fullest.
In November Jamie got a call. Elaina had been in a motorcycle wreck. At the time she was in stable condition but she would be paralyzed from mid-back down. The only thing Doctors could offer her, was the ability to eventually sit up. Jamie had tears in her eyes as she told me of the accident and the fate that was now to be Elaina's.
So when she asked if I would make the trip with her to Houston to see Elaina, I knew I was to say yes. When we arrived in Elaina's room, it was very clinical. There was however a large poster with pictures of Elaina with her friends and family, probably 40 photos in all.
As I was looking at them, her husband pointed to a photo and said "This is the night of the party, about an hour before the accident happened."
I looked closely at the photo. She had a huge grin on her face, a drink in her hand. She seemed carefree, almost with a laugh coming out of her mouth. She had no idea life was about to take such an uncertain turn. I wondered if she would have done anything different had she known what was about to happen?
The driver in the wreck suffered a crack to a vertebra in his neck and was sent home the next day with a neckbrace... expected to fully recover. Elaina, the passenger on the motorcycle, has lost all feeling from about her bra-line down. She can not sit up by herself yet. She will never walk again. She will never have children of her own. She had a trache, and it took much effort for her to talk. She had 40 large metal staples removed from her back the day we were there.
She was scared. I could tell. It's odd how you can see and smell fear. I saw it in her face even though I could tell she wanted to be brave. She cursed like a sailor, which under the circumstances made me laugh. I think it was her way of dealing with all that had just happened. But as the doctor and nurse manuevered her body so he could began removing the staples... her eyes flittered around the room. She grabbed the side rail, her face drained of color.
I wanted to ask to pray with her from the moment I met her, but really I am never so bold. I thought I shall return and ask her next time. But God laid on my heart that I should pray with her... I would try to silence the voice in my head, try to reason it out. Then they began moving her and the utter FEAR in her EYES was so powerful that I almost began to cry for her. She was TERRIFIED... I don't know the "hows" or the "whys" but I asked the doctor to stop and please let me pray with her... I grabbed her sweet hand and Jamie grabbed the other hand... and we began to pray for PEACE and COMFORT for Elaina ~ I don't even remember the words that came from my mouth... Elaina was clinging so tightly to my hand I think blood stopped flowing to it temporarily.
As I watched the doctor "YANK" the staples from her back I began to think... She clings to me and to the bed post so tightly because she doesn't know how to cling to God. She's never felt the love of Christ... and in the absense of an almighty God to cling to, we cling to other things.... other people, habits that lead to addictions, lifestyles, music, sex, food, money. And I am guilty of this... of clinging to people or things... and the truth is, it is NOT about them, but about the insecurities in me.
Why do we do that? Why do we look to external things in the hope that they will bring us internal joy? Only the light of God shining in us, and through us, being poured out and shared with others can bring true joy.
The God who created us, can sustain us. Only our creator can give us true joy. Only our creator can know the depths of our soul the way we long for another human being too.
The trip was a revelation for me. God is always teaching me; sometimes I am a good student, other times not so much... I pray Elaina finds the peace and strength only God can give. I pray that I learn to fully surrender to God's will in my life, that I know He is the one who can heal every wound, calm every heartbeat, who loves me completely as me. I pray that we all seek the divine purpose that God has for our lives.... and that he moves within us, and through us, to spread his message of love and mercy, the world over.
Peace and Love,
Jill
I had a sobering reminder that life on this earth is finite. Earlier this week I rode with my good friend Jamie, to Houston to visit a friend of hers at a V.A. Hospital. "Elaina" is just 26 years old. Beautiful curly red hair, fair complexion. Jamie said that even though life had dealt Elaina a couple of rough moments, she was still happy and lived life to the fullest.
In November Jamie got a call. Elaina had been in a motorcycle wreck. At the time she was in stable condition but she would be paralyzed from mid-back down. The only thing Doctors could offer her, was the ability to eventually sit up. Jamie had tears in her eyes as she told me of the accident and the fate that was now to be Elaina's.
So when she asked if I would make the trip with her to Houston to see Elaina, I knew I was to say yes. When we arrived in Elaina's room, it was very clinical. There was however a large poster with pictures of Elaina with her friends and family, probably 40 photos in all.
As I was looking at them, her husband pointed to a photo and said "This is the night of the party, about an hour before the accident happened."
I looked closely at the photo. She had a huge grin on her face, a drink in her hand. She seemed carefree, almost with a laugh coming out of her mouth. She had no idea life was about to take such an uncertain turn. I wondered if she would have done anything different had she known what was about to happen?
The driver in the wreck suffered a crack to a vertebra in his neck and was sent home the next day with a neckbrace... expected to fully recover. Elaina, the passenger on the motorcycle, has lost all feeling from about her bra-line down. She can not sit up by herself yet. She will never walk again. She will never have children of her own. She had a trache, and it took much effort for her to talk. She had 40 large metal staples removed from her back the day we were there.
She was scared. I could tell. It's odd how you can see and smell fear. I saw it in her face even though I could tell she wanted to be brave. She cursed like a sailor, which under the circumstances made me laugh. I think it was her way of dealing with all that had just happened. But as the doctor and nurse manuevered her body so he could began removing the staples... her eyes flittered around the room. She grabbed the side rail, her face drained of color.
I wanted to ask to pray with her from the moment I met her, but really I am never so bold. I thought I shall return and ask her next time. But God laid on my heart that I should pray with her... I would try to silence the voice in my head, try to reason it out. Then they began moving her and the utter FEAR in her EYES was so powerful that I almost began to cry for her. She was TERRIFIED... I don't know the "hows" or the "whys" but I asked the doctor to stop and please let me pray with her... I grabbed her sweet hand and Jamie grabbed the other hand... and we began to pray for PEACE and COMFORT for Elaina ~ I don't even remember the words that came from my mouth... Elaina was clinging so tightly to my hand I think blood stopped flowing to it temporarily.
As I watched the doctor "YANK" the staples from her back I began to think... She clings to me and to the bed post so tightly because she doesn't know how to cling to God. She's never felt the love of Christ... and in the absense of an almighty God to cling to, we cling to other things.... other people, habits that lead to addictions, lifestyles, music, sex, food, money. And I am guilty of this... of clinging to people or things... and the truth is, it is NOT about them, but about the insecurities in me.
Why do we do that? Why do we look to external things in the hope that they will bring us internal joy? Only the light of God shining in us, and through us, being poured out and shared with others can bring true joy.
The God who created us, can sustain us. Only our creator can give us true joy. Only our creator can know the depths of our soul the way we long for another human being too.
The trip was a revelation for me. God is always teaching me; sometimes I am a good student, other times not so much... I pray Elaina finds the peace and strength only God can give. I pray that I learn to fully surrender to God's will in my life, that I know He is the one who can heal every wound, calm every heartbeat, who loves me completely as me. I pray that we all seek the divine purpose that God has for our lives.... and that he moves within us, and through us, to spread his message of love and mercy, the world over.
Peace and Love,
Jill
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