So i am driving home from my 5am-ish workout and reflecting on some of my life choices. Repenting of a few things, but mostly just wanting to know "WHY" did I do that, instead of this. Actually thinking about friendships and relationships, some from long long ago. So I am sitting there and my mind is trying to figure it out... And I hear this song on my radio "Don't you know I've always loved you, even before it was time..."
And I realize that most everything I do, has to do with me doing things myself, in my own way. Always searching for love and acceptance on some level. It's like I always have to have a back-up plan... Why am I like this??? Oh I know, maybe I haven't learned to fully trust GOD! :) UGH, really? After all this time and all we've been through... Yes I am afraid it's so, I've got to learn to trust GOD with EVERYTHING! Good and Bad! He knows me anyways right?
You know I want to do things in my own time, and in my own strength (or weakness). I have to learn to "Let God", more now than ever. Let God lead me, let God sustain me, let God discipline me. During the horrible summer of 2010, I realized that I am always closest to God when I am desperate and destitute, I literally remember being at the McNeese Track late one night jogging, with tears just sorta filling my eyes, yelling in my head, "Why God? What do you want from me???" I felt like I couldn't handle one more thing. I felt attacked and punished.
I've always had deep trust issues. With superficial stuff, sure I trust people, but with the deep, true hardcore inside ugly stuff, no way! But slowly God is peeling away that distrust and replacing it with the right people, places and events. But mostly He is teaching me that I can TRUST him and I should TRUST him.
So let's see, more leaning in and on God. More FAITH, less work. More Love, less hate. More Joy and less sadness. Less of me, more of Him... Doesn't it usually work better that way anyways?
1 comment:
I've been through that before... and couldn't have said it better myself. It is awesome when you put God in everything! I still have struggles... but I find it easier to deal when I include Him in the good, not only the crap! Thanks for sharing... I think as Christians we all go through this at one time or another. Trust is still a biggie for me... all we can do is pray and believe God will help and put the right people in my path at the right time. ~ Love ya!
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