Whining to Jesus

So this morning when I left the house, I was listening to AirOne... Earlier this week I had prayed for God to crucify my flesh from earthly things, and WOW I was immediately bombarded with these crazy things. UGH, double UGH! Something I really wanted to happen didn't; something I had worked crazy hard for; just didn't pan out the way I wanted it to... And there it is that empty feeling; and I hate it.

So this time I sort of get it; I know that satan knows how I feel about accomplishing things and that I am works oriented. And that my mind loses sight of order and place sometimes and I lose my head and think that I can do things in and of my own self... And when I have literally POURED MYSELF out and I get the RESULTS that I have WORKED for but what I want to happen doesn't happen I'm left feeling pretty empty and worthless.

But this morning; while I had tears welling up in my eyes, just whining my heart out to Jesus, He just simply reminded me of something: Jill, if I want you to have something, you will and if I don't want you to have something you won't. So just TRUST ME! I'm such a fool sometimes, I know to TRUST GOD... Truly I know that. And my heart DESIRES big things; mountains to move actually... And I always wonder how I will get from where I am to literally seeing mountains move, but I guess this is the process, pray and put my faith in the ONLY ONE who has NEVER FAILED ME...

I wish things would be easier, I wish that I knew exactly what God's calling is on my life... In my heart I can feel myself just singing,"If you lead me God, I will follow, if you lead my Lord I will go, come and heal me God, I will follow...."